Mom's Night Out

Yay for MNO! When I first signed up for stroller strides I thought how great to walk around a large indoor mall three days a week. I can now push my stroller, chat with other moms and window shop at the same time. Love it.

There are activities planned outside of the mall throughout the month, petting zoo, apple picking, bookstore trips and the wonderful MNO (Mom’s Night Out). This night should be called “Wonderful Night Out Pass 7PM With Other Mom’s Drinking Wine”.

I didn’t know what to expect for my first MNO and getting lost did not help. But to my surprise, all the ladies were dressed cutesy, and a tasting menu of wine was handed out. First thought, “I’m liking this”. Now I’am not an alcoholic but once your a mom the times of drinking for fun are far and too few. Sometimes we need to relax with other moms, laugh about no sleep, share labor stories, complain about our bodies, and share a little of ourselves. If a hangover goes along with it, so be it.

If my monthly dues include instant drinking friends I’ll stay. Yes, I was once the fun club girl who never waited in line..guess this is now my version of a little VIP.

It's true...

Last week after stroller strides, I was standing in line at Starbucks, waiting for my grande non-fat misto, when a woman asked me a question.

“Do you run, is that why you have a BOB stroller ?”

My response, “yes I do run, this stroller is why I wanted a baby”. “Once I found out I was pregnant my first thought was, now I get a BOB”. I loved the blank look on her face, she thought I was kidding. I’m not.

Come on I’m sure we all have or had our own selfish reasons for wanting a child. Mine just happened to involve pushing a cool stroller while running. Was my reason suppose to be, I wanted to gain pregnancy pounds, have my body never be the same, push a child out me, and have her take charge of my life? Didn’t think so.

Lucky for my little lady, caring for her comes way before running...it’s a tight race.

We all have our own reasons for wanting a baby..right?

New developments or lack of

Thinking about my infant’s developments is driving me crazy! As a mom you can’t escape thinking about, reading about, and comparing your child’s developments to other children. Did I sign up for this event in the delivery room when my non- medicated head was spinning around during contractions? Was I told to sign next to the X? Because I’am now a member of the Compare Your Child Forever Team? Great, another thing no one told me about and I never got a t-shirt.

Every week I open some dumb email, telling me “your baby is now BLANK months, and BLANK weeks old, now they’re probably doing such & such”. I, the stupid mom continue to click on the link and read. I read all about what my baby should be doing; what they should be eating, what they should be holding, why they are fussy, how they should be sleeping, how they should be napping, how they should be crawling, should be standing, should try to walk, should try to talk, should this, should that, and what should be next.

Look I have no future plans to try out for a GREAT MOM award. I’m an average mom, just trying to get by with the simple steps. My 10 month old, eats three meals a day from a jar, drinks formula from her bottle, takes two good naps & one cat nap, goes potty in her diaper, hates being on her tummy, puts most objects in her mouth (to make sure they are real), loves her jumpy, loves her baby rave music, thinks bath time is funny, likes to eat her own feet, and sleeps straight from 7:30pm to 6:30am. She’s a baby and not making some scientific discovery.

We are working one holding and drinking from a cup. Has a little trouble tilting it up. Takes after her mother, when her cup is empty she tosses it on the floor. I do the same with my wine glass. If one more person asks, “is she crawling yet”? I will scream, “NO, SHE IS NOT”! Yes, I know she will soon. I don’t bother trying to explain or tell them her excuse. She is a bit behind because she could not have use of her arms till she was 5 months old. I should tell them, “not yet but she knows all her nursery rhymes, can choreograph her own dance routine in the jumper, and knows all the words to GOODNIGHT MOON.

I have not even made it a full year, this is going to be a long game.

Annoyed again

So the other morning during a morning mom activity I overheard a conversation about baby snacks.

A mom of one baby was saying she wasn't sure what kind of snacks to give her boy. He didn't care for the baby puffs.

I thought here is my chance to share something (when I normally wouldn’t bother). "I gave her baby mums, they are easy to hold and dissolve fast". "But they can become sticky".

I had one in our diaper bag and showed this woman. " Here's one, see the shape is easy to hold onto."

Her response, "oh it looks like styrofoam. I don't think I want him to eat something that looks like styrofoam, he may think styrofoam is ok to eat. I will have to think about that one".

My thought, "Seriously weirdo. Don’t infants try to put anything in their mouth no matter the shape, texture or size. Good luck with that. I guess my baby is going to eat paper, cardboard and styrofoam, crazy me."

My response, "Ok."

Time to make friends

Once we moved to Baltimore I knew I was going to have to get out there and make friends. Life can become lonely when your family and friends are far away. Good thing I have a kid to help me meet people. I was told about Meet-up.com when I lived in SD. It’s a way to locate mom groups in your area, get outside, share parenting tips and maybe make a friend. The idea of joining a group in SD seemed ridiculous. There was a group called “No Drama Mama’s, they claimed not to gossip about others. Another group was called “Classy Mom’s”, they claimed to have manners & class. The fact that you need to tell people you have class means you don’t.

Lucky for me, the search in MD was simple. I typed in my zip code, and mom groups in our area popped up. I made a decision that the new East Coast Adaline was going to be friendly and open to meeting new people (or at least try). I spent a couple of hours on a Sunday evening trying to figure out what women appeared interesting and offered options. Unfortunately, you can’t just choose a group, RSVP to an event and suddenly you are in. You must first email the group leader, introduce yourself, answer some questions and set up a meet & greet before you can attend an official play date. This is for everyone’s safety. Guess they want to see if you really have a child and not some psycho who just wants to meet moms.

I completed the first steps and the meet & greet was set. I was given the secret location, Barnes & Noble, and told how to find the LEADER. Walk through the front entrance, go straight, make a left after the table of new arrivals, a right down the cookbook aisle, a left into the children's section, one more left and stop at Thomas the Train. My thoughts were, “seriously”, and “who is Thomas, and why does he have a train”? I may be exaggerating a little, but that's how it all sounded to me. Everything went fine, I met the LEADER and was told about the age groups and activities. I passed my meet & greet with flying colors. So I was now ready to RSVP, “lets bring on the play dates”. Slow down. This meet up group was serious business every event for our age group was booked for the entire month. Really, are the moms that cool? Good thing I could put myself on the wait list. Hello, my name is Adaline and I’m on a wait list to go to a strangers house so my infant can sit on their floor and put her hand in her mouth. Good times.

The things we do for our babies is silly.

Our family move

I always knew moving to the East Coast was a possibility, but I never thought it would actually happen. But when Alex was offered a good job opportunity back in his home state, Maryland, our family had to pack up and move. The move happened fast once the decision was made, and within weeks we were living in a new state.

I use to think living on the OTHER coast would be an adventure, exciting and fun..OH not so true. It’s been two months and all I can say is, “its been interesting”. We arrived during a very hot and humid summer. I’m not a fan of humid. Where is my beautiful San Diego weather? We are living 15 minutes outside of downtown Baltimore in a small historic neighborhood. The nearest Target is 12 miles away. Everything is so far. Where is my Friars road? I miss having all the simple needs 5 to 10 minutes away. Starbucks is the only coffee house option and the nearest one is at least a 15 minute drive. I’m not even a fan of Starbucks. Where is our favorite coffee from Peets? I couldn’t enjoy one single ice blended vanilla no-sugar added drink from Coffee Bean all summer. Dunkin Donuts is their Starbucks, its everywhere. Do I look like I eat donuts?

Positive side..My in-laws are very sweet and a HUGE help. They have a gorgeous victorian home with plenty of room for us. It’s as if we have a live in nanny. Alex and I can enjoy a date night at least once a week. After the medical difficulties Olivia had in San Diego, time out alone is so appreciated. For now living in a new city will take some getting use too. Alex is trying to settle into his job at a large firm and I’m trying to figure out my job as a stay at home mom. Both have long hours.

Time for food

Infants drink a lot of milk. Or, if you are one of the frowned upon moms, like me, your baby is drinking a lot of formula. Don't even get me started on that subject. Anyways, our doctor told us once she takes in at least 36 ounces of formula a day it's time to introduce baby food. "What I now have to make sure she eats FOOD"?

Our time finally came at 6 months of age. We started to give her small amounts of rice cereal each day to get her use to the idea of eating. Baby was not a fan. The more cereal I placed in her mouth the more cereal squirted out. Another opportunity to feel like a failure. "Why is my baby not eating right away"? Like everything else in motherhood feeding a baby sounds easy but it's not. I heard Oatmeal might receive a better response, and it did. Once she got use to a spoon being placed in front of her mouth, took the mushy stuff in, and stopped sucking it like a bottle we were good. I recently introduced Baby Mum's to her. Some non-colored rice board looking thing. Baby not a fan. If it were bright colored, made a sound, and not edible I'm sure she would have tried to eat it. Babies are strange sometimes.

Our little lady is now taking in three meals a day along with her formula. But for some reason I feel like I'm still doing something wrong or not giving her enough. I only give her the same 3 veggie options and two types of fruit. I don't make my own baby food. (Goodness, I hardly make my own food). I have not studied up on baby diets. I don't know the latest baby food fad. I don't understand when to give them snacks or juice. However, I'm sure all the answers can be found in some book. Like everything else, I have to make time to read. That is what Goggle, the Gerber site, and questions for my sister are for...help.

Look the way I see it is, I will eventually get this figured out but it's going to take some time. As long as my baby is patient with me I will be patient with her. She's still growing & healthy. Thats all that matters, right? How can I force feed my own child when my own relationship with food is a rocky one. I eat to live not live to eat. My baby eats when hungry and to stop fussing when I'm trying to shop. (just kidding). Easy enough

Just a thought...2

So, I finally took my little lady to her first music class. I thought it would be a perfect way to see other babies her age and hear some nursery songs. (She sure won't hear them from me). Like most days, everything interferes with precious nap time, so I had to wake her for class. (Perhaps a sign of the future). I placed a new black & white dress on her, brushed a few strands of hair, placed the ballet slipper socks on her feet and off we went. I thought the class started at 12:15 but we arrived fashionably late at 12:20. However, when we walked in I realized the class started at 12. I felt horrible about being late, I'm a terrible mother, it was her first class EVER. I'm late for pretty much everything in my life and if I arrive 5 mins after I often consider that early.

Of course she has no idea where we are or what we're going to do. But as I looked around at our peers I noticed my baby is the oldest one of the group. (And the cutest, babies really leave the house in their sleep-n-plays)? I thought this class would have more 6 month olds, most kids were under 4 months. The biggest event was trying to get the babies to follow a paper towel roll with their eyes. "Umm hello, that is so 3 months ago". I knew my lady was bored when she found shoving her fist in her mouth more exciting. Oh well I tried. Before we walked out the door I asked the leader if we should be in an older class but she said, "well she's not sitting straight up on her own yet, so you should stay her". Is my baby already being held back before kindergarten? Why are more 6 month olds not in this class? We have a medical excuse you know. As a new mom you can't help but compare baby developments, it's our jo. In fact the only question I ever ask is, "how old is he/she"? I could care less what the child's name is, Jack, Emily, Sarah with an H, whatever..I just need age.

Happy to report my little one loved the big puppet Gymbo and that made the class worth it. We will return in cute outfits and hopefully with babies our own age.

Flight time

When your in-laws live in another state, you can bet traveling is only a matter of time. Well, our time arrived. We had to fly to the East coast, this means 5 hours up in the air with a 6 month old. Like everything else related to babies, I know nothing. However, I've heard you should give your baby Benadryl to knock them out. It's like the secret drug the doctors don't want to advertise for flying. Your child will either fall asleep, or stay wide awake.

We decided to test out this special medication the day before our flight. So glad we did. We gave our daughter half the dose recommended by the pediatrician, and that was enough. Our poor little lady was on Crack. (Not that we know anything about Crack). She could not fall asleep all day. Every time we tried for a nap, she was up within a few minutes. When bedtime finally arrived, we figured she must be exhausted, no luck. She laid in her crib staring at the walls with a frightened look across her face. When we tried to approach her, she let out a tiny cry as if we were just big scary faces coming for her. Poor little lady.

We now know Crack and Benadryl are not for her. (Good to know). Like most things in mommy world, I build things up in my mind to be worse than they turn out to be. This is my way of preparing for the worse, and begin praying for the best. She was GREAT, praise God. Our sweet little girl did not fuss at all. She took her bottle during take off, and landing, just like we rehearsed on the way to the airport. She slept in her car seat almost the entire flight without any assistance. Love her.

My favorite part was the woman in the row ahead of us, on our flight home. The second she saw my husband place the baby into the seat, she let out a huge sigh of disappointment. I then overheard her tell another woman, "wouldn't you know it, we're surrounded by kids". The sad truth is, I'm guilty of saying those words in my BB life. However, the AB woman I am today wanted to stick my tongue out and say "oh well". But I didn't have to say anything our little angel showed her.

Making it through another baby first is a great feeling. Every time we make it through a new experience, our confidence grows a teeny tiny bit. (Let's not become too confident, baby steps).

Our time in the air was really good we can only hope for more of the same on future flights. I also hope not to have another bratty 3 year old sitting behind us. (I did stick my tongue out at her, sorry).

Six months and counting

Happy to say we made it to 6 months. Most of our hair is still on our heads, but there's definitely a little grey now coming through. I had no expectations for this half year marker. For us 3 months was suppose to be the magic number, that got moved to 4 months, now 6. Once the colic and constant crying went away, I was content with whatever. A wonderful blessing is the fact that her ulceration on the lip has healed and she now has full range of her arms. Her chubby chipmunk steroid cheeks have reduced and she is holding her own at a sweet 16 pounds. My bicep curls are usually done with only 15 pound weights, guess I need to start pushing myself for more. I read somewhere that every household should have a 6 month old because it's such a fun time. "Really"?

Now, I'm not complaining but if you think about it trying to entertain a baby is sort of like talking to yourself and thinking your funny. I'm glad my baby pretends to pay attention and when she laughs, I like to think it's with me, and not at me. I can't sing to save my life, or anyone else's. I finally found a website with words to nursery rhymes but can't figure out what the tunes are. The only song I can confidently hum is the Jeopardy theme song. However, I can make up some pretty crazy lyrics for all activities, "the best time is bath time", "it's changing diaper time", "feed me please", and a crowd favorite "I'm cute so I toot". My days are REAL busy doing what, I have no idea? I just hope each wake time is enjoyable, goes by fast, then its nap time again and I can gear up for my next performance. The days of waking up slowly and hitting the snooze button five times are long gone. The boss lady, in the lavender room, tells us when its time to get out of bed, but she needs me to take her out of the crib..so take that little lady.

Trying to keep a 6 month old entertained takes up alot of time. I wonder how long till she becomes bored of staring at the ceiling fans. That is always a good time filler. Times are changing, there is no longer time for reading all my wonderful fiction books I'm too busy living in the non fiction.

Eating out again

Well it finally happened, we ate in a restaurant, all three of us. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon we headed out into the public just to stroll around town. We are always thinking about what we can eat while out, but unfortunately, Subway and McDonald's are the usual choices. This day however, my husband suggested we try a restaurant. The words, "serious, really, and are you kidding", came to mind. But it was a Mexican restaurant and they serve margaritas so count me in.

I walked up to the host stand and added our name to the wait list. The manager asked, "how many"? A simple question, but how do I answer? Technically, we are still two but now there is a little person attached to us. Does she count as one? I responded, "two please". My husband added, "and a stroller". The Manager informed us, "that it will be a bit longer". Perfect, now we are being punished for pushing a stroller around.

As we sat waiting, buzzer in hand, I wished 'O' could understand the 'evil eye' stare that only a mother can give. The one that says "be on your best behavior". After 20 minutes the manager sat us in the center of the room with plenty of room for our Bob stroller. I have to admit, I was afraid of having my baby cry, causing people to look at us. I know those people well, I use to be one of them. Once the server approached, we were ready with our drink orders. Knowing I was once again going to enjoy a margarita, along with chips and salsa, made the wait worth it. We made it out of our lunch without any injuries, minimal crying and no ugly looks. That was our first step into being a party of three..please.

1st Mother's Day

Wow, I still can't believe I'm a mother. I have really been thinking about this day a lot over the last week. A few times while I'm holding O I just start crying for no reason at all. Just a flow of emotions, I guess. There is so much I want to say to her and thought I should write her a note.

Dear my sweet Lady O,

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy when skies are GREY

You'll never know dear how much I love you, so I will tell you everyday.

Years ago I never knew If I wanted to be a mother. Once I began to think about wanting a baby I never knew when it would happen or if I would know how to be one. Then your daddy and I found out we were going to be blessed with a baby...and it would be a girl. What joy! I was so excited but scared at the same time. I had been told everything will fall into place and the mothering instincts will kick in. I hoped so.

The day you were born was amazing, the doctor placed you in my arms, and my first thought was thank you Jesus. She is perfect. You are now close to 6 months old and the last few months have been far from easy. Recently things have started to change and you are now showing all the wonderful "normal" baby behaviors. Either you are becoming an easy baby or we are getting stronger.

I was looking into your eyes yesterday and I could hear you talking to me while I started to cry. You said..."mom why do you look sad? I am getting better everyday and look how happy I'am. You and daddy make me smile so much and I don't feel anymore pain. Jesus choose you to be my mother and gave me this special birthmark on my face because he knew you could handle it with his grace. Lets make a promise mom to be joyful everyday..I love you mommy".

"Oh my little O you've taught me so much already you don't even know".

Love you mom

Yes, as a mother you want everyone to see your baby as you do, beautiful and have a problem free life. I have heard small children look at O and then turn to a parent and ask, "mommy why does she have that on her face"? Your heart breaks and in the moment you can't respond. However, next time I will say that is her special beauty mark Jesus gave her and it makes her really strong. I hope Lady O knows how special, loved and beautiful she is...perfect in every way just as she was created to be. Happy Mother's day.

Facing my fear

I did it! I finally faced my fear of public outings with baby. Yes, I lived to tell about it. Not only did I head out into the big scary world once this week but I went twice. The first experience was a bit frightening. As I placed O into the car and drove away I told my husband "we may just make it around the block, see you in 5 mins". But, that didn't happen. We made it to our first baby outing to meet my sweet friend and her two twin lovelies. The five us strolled around Balboa park and stopped a couple of times for feedings. Not us, them. Maybe once I get better at reading O's signs I will stop mistaking sleepy signals for food. No one wants food shoved into their mouth when all they want to do is sleep. Or do they? Anyways, the park trip was successful and we look forward to many more.

The second outing was to MOM's park, aka the mall. This was the real test. We would find out if O and I could be real life long friends. I mean if we can't shop together what will we do. I don't cook, don't have a lot of girlfriends, don't have a single creative bone in my body, and don't care to spend too much time in the sun. She was great and would start to make noise when it was time to move on. I did learn how to not waste anytime in a store. The rule is "yes or no and go". If only the sales people would get a clue, see a mom with stroller move things along. No time to be chatty Cathy and no one wants to sign up for credit cards. We both left the mall with a little something. (She doesn't know it yet). The great thing about strollers is they hold your bags. Finally, I don't have to carry anything. Now, on the next trip to MOM's park I will let her teach me how to window shop.

Fever time

We almost made it one week without rushing to the emergency room. Almost. Monday night O woke up at 11:30, by the time, I picked her up from the crib she started spitting up. Once, I had her sitting on my lap the projectile vomiting started. She was burning up. Good thing I'm not afraid of taking the wonderful rectal temp. 103! I've always known that babies can get sick but what in the world am I suppose to do with a high fever? We did our best not to panic as O continued to vomit up nothing.

While holding O, I tried to scan through the Baby 411 book and google baby with high fever. My husband called the after hours peds office to get the same answer. Finally, we decided to follow our parental instincts..off to the ER we went. We signed in at 12:30am, triage took her temp twice, she continued to vomit a bit more, and finally the doctor walked in the room at 4am. Really? Wow, glad it was an emergency. After a few hours of trying to find a diagnosis they decided she needed to be admitted to the hospital. "Here we go again".

Because O takes a beta blocker and a steroid for her hemangioma missing a dose is never good. If she can't keep food down then the medication won't stay down either. The nurses spent a good hour trying to insert an IV into her small body. Watching your little one cry from being poked by needles and a thin catheter put up her nose to clear out the mucus....not nice. As I rub her head and plant kisses on her forehead all I can do is look forward to seeing her smile again.

The hospital stay lasted for one night in our own private room..definitely a plus. Having a baby roommate on a different feeding schedule along with nurses and doctors walking in an out all day, means no rest. At least this time we could sleep or try to. I made it through the night with Lady O. First thing in the morning I saw it, there it was staring at me, the big brown eyes and the sweetest grin spread across her face. Life is good. Once the vitals were back to normal, feedings and medication were given, we were good to head home that afternoon.

I never thought...2

Today was the first day we left Lady O with a sitter. I never thought, I would be that paranoid mom who panics the entire time away. Surprise, I'am. My agent called a couple of days ago to let me know about an audition in Irvine. This would be at least an 1 hour and 1/2 drive each way. Of course traffic is going to play a big part in the drive. My sweet husband offered to drive me (carpool is the way to go) and suggested we leave our lady with my sister & mom.

The idea was to spend time talking and enjoy the drive together. Did not happen. I could not even take a car nap. My only thought was "how soon can we be back home"? I really tried to focus on the audition coming up but it was difficult. I was so relived to see only 5 girls in front of me. A short wait means we would be back on the road very soon.

What did I think was going to happen to my baby. She would scream the entire time? She would wake after a nap and see I was not there when she woke? The ulceration on her lip would bother her and make her cry? She would be really gassy during a feeding and not eat? I really had no idea what could go wrong. Maybe it was just a case of the "mommy worries". Instead of making the drive enjoyable I made it miserable.

Once we made it back to by sisters house, I see my mom outside holding O in her arms. O just had a blank stare on her face and I could hear her saying, "mom I'm fine, calm down". Yes, for one afternoon I was that crazy psycho mom.

Just a thought...

I'm thinking about filing a missing person's report, for my old body. It should read something like this... Fit 5'4 119 pound female body missing. Was last seen first week of April 09 (when it discovered a baby was growing inside). Lost somewhere between Conception street and Delivery way. Was possibly wearing a pair of fitted Hudson blue jeans, t-shirt baring toned arms and 4'inch stiletto shoes. If found please contact temporary body, the UN-TONED female at 858- I'am-Lost. Thank you

Baby Books

Are new moms suppose to read the baby books before the baby arrives? I have been trying to read a couple of baby books for the past four months. I could really use some guidance. Lady O is now five months and I never finished Baby Wise. Maybe that is one of my problems? I never had the chance to understand her feeding times. Now, I am trying to read the Baby Whisperer and I carry it everywhere. Will reading a page a day get me anywhere? Probably not, I won't ever add that title to my resume.

I really wanted to learn about setting up a sleep schedule and I'm envious of mom's who have it figured out. "Nobody cares". Everyday that passes without me reading is another day of less sleep. So, one book tells me to follow the E-A-S-Y plan. Meaning= Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. I think the Y needs to be dropped because it never happens. You really don't get to sleep when the baby sleeps. Once the baby goes down I can open mail, pay bills, return any important calls, make the bed, start laundry and anything else that NEEDS to be done. What is YOU time suppose to mean? Oh I know, its your time to finish reading this silly baby book.

One more thing, my baby is not E-A-S-Y, she is EAT- SLEEP-EAT-ACTIVITY-SLEEP and sometimes Y. But, she is only 5 months old and can't spell.

My fear: Public outings

Lady O is now four months old and I have not taken her anywhere alone. I never knew it would be so difficult. The truth is I have a FEAR of taking my baby out in public. What happens if she starts crying and I can't help her? Then I'm standing in the middle of a store alone or in line for coffee with no one to help me. What happens if I'm driving and can't help her in the backseat? I think about these scenarios all the time. Wondering when I will just grab her diaper bag, pick up the car keys, and get us on the road to anywhere. A couple of people told me I should go to Target and get it over with. Easy for them to say, they have already conquered this fear. The other day while I was at a bread store there was a woman with a three year old girl and an infant in a car seat. I couldn't believe they were just sitting at a table eating lunch like no big deal. I asked her how old the infant was. Waiting to hear he was 6 or 8 months. But, no he was only 4 months old. Just like my baby O.

We just started going for runs alone in our gated community. I am taking baby steps to slowly travel outside the gates. The week before Easter I took O on a test trip. We went to the mall with my mom. I wanted to buy her an Easter dress and knew I needed to drive somewhere. I planned the outing around her feeding at 12:00, jump in car at 1:00, and back home by 3:30. I was hoping she would sleep most of the time. Nothing ever goes exactly as planned. We arrived to the mall at 1:30 and she woke up the second we walked into the store. With her big brown eyes staring at me I grabbed the dress I saw online and a few other outfits. As she started to fuss we rushed to the register and quickly left the store. I panicked and could not even imagine walking to another store. "Let's get home now"! That was my fastest trip to the mall. Not sure if I'm ready to venture out completely alone. I know one day I will put on my big girl underwear and get it over with. I often day dream of wearing a cute outfit, wedges, and cute handbag on shoulder while pushing my baby in the stroller. It will happen.

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"Who's screaming now"? I asked my sister when she answered the phone

Her answer, "No one is screaming they're playing". "One day you will know the difference".

Really, will I? I find that hard to believe. Right now I'm trying to learn the difference between a hunger cry, sleepy cry and need to burp cry. I don't care to learn the scream for fun cry.

I never thought...

I never thought I would rather shop for Olivia than myself. "Really, it's true". I don't know how or when it happened. I knew our baby was going to be a girl and shopping would be fun. However, I didn't know if I had to choose an item for myself or her she would win. The sad part is, she has no idea what she's wearing and could care less. My baby girl is 4mos old and her only friends are Sophie a giraffe and Bow Jangles a wind chime rattle.

So, I' am now Olivia's personal shopper. I don't get paid for this job but I can take a ton of photos. She is a great client. She never complains, sizes go by age, I know what colors look best on her, and I make sure she is always dressed appropriately for the occasion (laying down in crib or stroller). I know one day she will be able to thank me for not making her look like a clown and not putting crazy prints on her. I try to be her voice and think about what I would want to wear at her age. Good thing most baby clothes are not expensive and there is always a good sale somewhere. Bad thing is babies grow so fast and may only wear an item once before it no longer fits. I adore baby shoes but they are just an accessory and not a need. Most shoes fall off within an hour of being placed on her chubby little feet.

Now, I do think about shopping for myself a lot but staying home does not require a huge wardrobe. Daily attire consists of basic T's, jeans, and flats. I do skim the style magazines to learn what's in and what's out just to pretend I need to know. For now it's all about Lady O. It's her world and I just live in it.

Quote

Quote for today: "I'am never going to be one of those people to say it gets easier."

From my sister with a screaming 2 year old in the background

My response: "Good, I want the truth."

In life we all face difficult times with work, family, health, money, and friends. I don't think our first response to someone is "it gets easier or better". Just a thought.

New mom's lie

Once you have a newborn your automatically signed up for a baby competition. Imagine meeting a group of friends for a morning jog then you arrive to find out it's really a race. "I didn't sign up for this." You haven't trained, your not wearing race shoes, and you don't know the course. This is how I feel talking to new mom's. There is a need to out run each other. They tell you to call them for advice or just to vent anytime. But, when you do they end up sharing how great their baby is and how wonderful life is. Once you share your troubles they sigh and say "It gets better and time goes by so fast." Their tone is annoying, making you feel so beneath them. Suddenly, their 7 month old is so much older then your 3 month old..they can't even remember that far back. Really?

You tell them your not able to nurse anymore and you might as well have bad body odor then run on the other side of the street. Breastfeeding moms have a need to show off plain and simple. Even if it started out difficult, became easy and now they can feed with their eyes closed. I lasted 3 months and they're trying to last a year. Sorry, but having a 1 year old sit on my lap to nurse while she's trying to watch "Yo Gabba Gabba" at the same time was never my goal. The best question so far, "have you considered buying breast milk?" Are you serious? "Would that be down the baby aisle and can I use my Ralph's club card?" What works for some may not work for others...NEWS FLASH

Trying to set a schedule, figure out a routine or just let the baby guide can make you crazy. I let them know my little lady has a hard time sleeping and they tell me their kid sleeps 7 to 7. Really? How does this help me? I ask about diapers and their precious is almost potty trained. Really? I'm looking for simple baby toys to keep her entertained. Don't bother, their child only likes adult objects (remote controls or a phone) and can't have anything from China. I ask for bathing advice because my baby cries but they can't help. Mommy and baby take a bath together everyday and have since birth. Really? I did try this, my baby girl spit up on me twice and screamed the entire time. I tell them my baby has colic, meaning she's super fussy all the time. They have to look the definition up. Their little one only cries when hungry, tired, or wet. Really?

Maybe I should make up a perfect baby.

She sleeps from 7 to 7 and won't make a sound when she wakes up. Just lies there with eyes open waiting for me.

When she needs a new diaper she kicks her right leg up twice. (started at birth)

During feedings, she holds her hand in front of her mouth in case she spits up. (wouldn't want to dirty mom)

She blinks her eyes 3 times to let you know she's tired. (please place in crib)

Oh, she Loves bath time....can't get enough. Smiles and coos the whole time

Won't touch plastic toys has to be wooden only

Yes, new mom's lie. Baby life is tough and there is no easy way around it. If it was so easy there wouldn't be a need for all the baby books. Perhaps the new mom's I know are just bitter because I had a dream delivery. Four hours start to finish without any pain medication, no horror story here. While mom's get over it, baby life is kicking my butt so your winning this race....for now.

*I'am very blessed to have such great friends who offer me advice and they are very fortunate to have enjoyable baby time...I hope to be there soon:)

It's Good Enough

I now have a new phrase that I recite at least three times a day, "good enough". These two words are perfect for everything I do during the day. I often say them when I'am finished with a chore. Being a new mom means having less time. It's either speed things up or don't bother doing them at all.

When to say "good enough"...

Your to do list has 5 items on it but you only have time for 1.

Your baby usually wakes up the second you start a chore.

Your baby is crying and soon the cry will get louder, possibly grabbing the attention of neighbors.

When chores require "good enough"...

Taking a shower. You might have 3 minutes and use one all over soap for hair, body, and face. But hey, at least you are using soap. GE

Giving the baby a bath. It can be difficult to undress a screaming baby then place into a plastic tub of water. You do your best to clean the important areas. However, if they won't move their head to wash under the neck, oh well. GE

Eating and drinking coffee. No one cares that you are starving. You make your morning coffee for the taste and to wake up. Just a sip is all you get before the baby is in need of something. Forget eating meals you now get bites. There will soon be plates with half eaten stuff laying around and cold coffee to enjoy. Breakfast becomes dinner. GE

New title

I wrote an email to a girlfriend recently just to vent and share, my last written line was, “I love being a mom”. She responded today and addressed that particular line. Saying she felt a bit guilty because she does not always love being a mom. To be honest, I didn’t remember writing it and had to scroll up the page to read it again. There it was staring at me, “I love being a mom...”.

I should have written, “I love being a mom to Olivia”. The title mom has be earned over time not something you are just given because you gave birth. I don’t consider myself a mother yet. Everyday can be the same or very different. We are constantly facing new challenges and having to flip open the Baby 411 book for assistance. I lack confidence in all my baby decisions and second guess everything I do. Such as, how to organize her closet, when to give a bath, does her cry mean hungry or sleepy, is she warm enough at night and am I doing anything right. I ask mom’s I know questions all the time because some advice might be helpful. However, not even advice can make me feel confident.

Do I sometimes get out of bed during the early morning feedings thinking not again, sure I do. I am human and not long ago I was able to sleep when I wanted. Should I feel bad for thinking this way? When she is crying most of the day and we can’t seem to help her do I think “why me”, sure I do. There was a pre-baby time when you think everything will be simple babies are suppose to eat, sleep and poop. People forget to share the crying, colic, acid reflux days with you. Funny you only hear about this after your baby is born and you are drowning in your tears. Suddenly, others have been there too but forget to warn you. So the truth is, babies eat when they can, sleep when they are not hungry, and can cry a lot of for reasons unknown.

Now I know this information, do I love being a mom? I love Olivia more than I ever thought possible and if she needs me to be her mom then I will do my best everyday.

I'am a runner again...maybe

Today I was given an opportunity to do something I love, go for a run outside. The last time I went for a nice run was early in my pregnancy. A run is so overdue I should be fined. I spend everyday inside holding and comforting my baby girl. I am starting to forget what it is like to spend time with my thoughts.

So the clock struck noon and I started to get ready for the outdoors. The running shorts, sport bra, and t-shirt were hiding in a basket inside my closet. As I put on the gear, I felt as if I was once a running super hero and all my speed powers were coming back to me. I had a feeling the run was going to be short and perhaps painful. But the moment my legs started to move and feet hit the ground I could feel myself breathe again.

I have never been passionate about much in my life (prior to Olivia) except for running. The idea of drinking my favorite martini or enjoying a nice shopping trip don't compare to hitting the pavement alone. There I was breathing in and out and moving down the road. Playing JT and Lauren Hill on my Ipod and I was set. Some of my old memories of BB (before baby) flashed across my mind. For the first time in a long time I felt like myself again. My life has changed so much and it is no longer just about me and my wants. But it is now about her needs and wants. I now need to figure out how to keep ME in the picture and not get lost in all the day to day stresses.

Running is my way of feeling strong again. It helps clear my mind when I want to cry or scream. It gives me a feeling of some control because I know once I walk back into the nursery, the control belongs to Olivia But for this brief moment in the day my time is mine and that means everything.

While the run itself was slow for me, I was not going to break any PR's. I did stop for a minute to think , I thought "wow, how much longer do I have to do this" and "if I stop and walk will anyone ever know?"

Maybe someday I will be ready to push a jogging stroller at the same time and that will be another story. For now I will continue to face each day as a new race with Olivia in my arms trying to make it to the finish line..meaning making it through another day.

Now entering motherhood

I believe the time you spend being pregnant is rehearsal for the role of becoming a mother. You are suppose to read every pregnancy and mothering book available. Make sure you do research to prepare for the big day. Then delivery day arrives and you are on. The director shouts action, labor begins, and baby is placed in your arms. However, the camera never stops rolling and no one yells “that’s a wrap”. My new role as a mother began on November 18, 2009. Olivia was placed in my arms at 10:56 AM. My old role of woman without child is no longer part of this cast.

My life has been all about her with minimum sleep since we arrived at the hospital. Nothing has been easy. The day we were discharged our baby girl was admitted into NICU. Her oxygen level dropped and they wanted to monitor it for a few days. Having to leave the hospital without your new baby is not right. I had left my house 2 days before with a pregnant belly now I am home without a baby in my arms. We spent the next 4 days traveling between home and hospital. Trying to be there for her feedings was difficult. I did my best to pump so she could have breast milk when I was not there, that was not easy. There I was a brand new mother having no idea how to use a pump and not even sure how to breastfeed. I just kept telling myself she needs my milk and I don't want her to have formula. I was so worried about her not being able to bf when we got home.

In addition to her brief stay in NICU, we were told she has a Port Wine Stain on the left side of her face. This small marking on her face has continued to grow and darken. Three weeks ago we were informed that is really a Hemangioma and not a Port Wine Stain at all. A completely different diagnosis requiring different treatment. Our lives changed a bit more that day.

I normally don't have great expectations. However, I was hoping my new mom life would be easy. I had a great pregnancy. Gained 22 pounds and was only sick for the first 11 weeks. My birth was amazing. All Natural, no pain meds or IV's needed. Water broke at 6:30 and she arrived by 11. Everything just fell into place. I should have known it was too good to be true.

Just like all new moms I am learning each day, figuring out her personality, and dealing with her medical issue. Through cries and smiles here I come.