So the clock struck noon and I started to get ready for the outdoors. The running shorts, sport bra, and t-shirt were hiding in a basket inside my closet. As I put on the gear, I felt as if I was once a running super hero and all my speed powers were coming back to me. I had a feeling the run was going to be short and perhaps painful. But the moment my legs started to move and feet hit the ground I could feel myself breathe again.
I have never been passionate about much in my life (prior to Olivia) except for running. The idea of drinking my favorite martini or enjoying a nice shopping trip don't compare to hitting the pavement alone. There I was breathing in and out and moving down the road. Playing JT and Lauren Hill on my Ipod and I was set. Some of my old memories of BB (before baby) flashed across my mind. For the first time in a long time I felt like myself again. My life has changed so much and it is no longer just about me and my wants. But it is now about her needs and wants. I now need to figure out how to keep ME in the picture and not get lost in all the day to day stresses.
Running is my way of feeling strong again. It helps clear my mind when I want to cry or scream. It gives me a feeling of some control because I know once I walk back into the nursery, the control belongs to Olivia But for this brief moment in the day my time is mine and that means everything.
While the run itself was slow for me, I was not going to break any PR's. I did stop for a minute to think , I thought "wow, how much longer do I have to do this" and "if I stop and walk will anyone ever know?"
Maybe someday I will be ready to push a jogging stroller at the same time and that will be another story. For now I will continue to face each day as a new race with Olivia in my arms trying to make it to the finish line..meaning making it through another day.
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