We are having a...

So today was the day I’ve been waiting for since the double pink line showed up on the pregnancy test. The special ultrasound you can have after 18 weeks to say it’s a girl or a boy. Of course there are the strange people (in my opinion) who prefer to wait till birth to find out the sex. They want to be surprised. I’m not one of them. I was surprised when I found out we were expecting again so soon. I will be surprised when I push the baby out and we meet for the first time to say hello. It is sort of like being given a pretty blue box from Tiffany’s (a favorite of mine) in March then told you can’t open till Christmas. So, you are just suppose to stare at the box till December wondering what’s inside. No, thank you.

We wanted to make the announcement special, and not find out in the exam room. This time around, instead of having tiny boy, or girl shoes, placed into a box, we bought two cute onesies. Finally the time came to find a location to sit and reveal the answer.

With Olivia, we waited till dinner. Alex and I went to a small Italian restaurant, with soft music, and intimate lighting. It really was a sweet experience. However, this time around, not so lucky. Living in MD means no longer having a selection of restaurants or cafes to choose from (at least none I’ve found or know of at 10:30AM). I started crying after we drove around for 30 minutes, “I can’t believe there is nowhere nice to eat”. The alternative idea, of taking Olivia into her playroom, and having the three of us open the box, was sounding pretty good. But 15 miles away from wherever we were, was a Panera Bread. Yup, thats right, our only cafe/bakery/decent restaurant option is a chain.

We quickly walked in, found a seat and turned the camera on. I had a quick second to fix my hair and ask if I looked ok. Finally I placed the white box next to me, reached inside and pulled out a...pink onesie. “It’s a GIRL”, so exciting! I could not believe it. We are going to have another little lady in our house.

I know it doesn’t matter if it was a boy, or a girl, but secretly we were smiling with relief . Maybe we’ve become comfortable with already having a girl so it’s familiar to us. Plus, the idea of spending weekends watching baseball or football games scared me.

Wow, a new baby girl. We have been so blessed with Olivia and her happy demeanor. It will be interesting to see how alike, or how different, the sisters will become. As for picking out a name...I still have four and a half months to go.

Annoyed again

So the other morning during a morning mom activity I overheard a conversation about baby snacks.

A mom of one baby was saying she wasn't sure what kind of snacks to give her boy. He didn't care for the baby puffs.

I thought here is my chance to share something (when I normally wouldn’t bother). "I gave her baby mums, they are easy to hold and dissolve fast". "But they can become sticky".

I had one in our diaper bag and showed this woman. " Here's one, see the shape is easy to hold onto."

Her response, "oh it looks like styrofoam. I don't think I want him to eat something that looks like styrofoam, he may think styrofoam is ok to eat. I will have to think about that one".

My thought, "Seriously weirdo. Don’t infants try to put anything in their mouth no matter the shape, texture or size. Good luck with that. I guess my baby is going to eat paper, cardboard and styrofoam, crazy me."

My response, "Ok."

Time for food

Infants drink a lot of milk. Or, if you are one of the frowned upon moms, like me, your baby is drinking a lot of formula. Don't even get me started on that subject. Anyways, our doctor told us once she takes in at least 36 ounces of formula a day it's time to introduce baby food. "What I now have to make sure she eats FOOD"?

Our time finally came at 6 months of age. We started to give her small amounts of rice cereal each day to get her use to the idea of eating. Baby was not a fan. The more cereal I placed in her mouth the more cereal squirted out. Another opportunity to feel like a failure. "Why is my baby not eating right away"? Like everything else in motherhood feeding a baby sounds easy but it's not. I heard Oatmeal might receive a better response, and it did. Once she got use to a spoon being placed in front of her mouth, took the mushy stuff in, and stopped sucking it like a bottle we were good. I recently introduced Baby Mum's to her. Some non-colored rice board looking thing. Baby not a fan. If it were bright colored, made a sound, and not edible I'm sure she would have tried to eat it. Babies are strange sometimes.

Our little lady is now taking in three meals a day along with her formula. But for some reason I feel like I'm still doing something wrong or not giving her enough. I only give her the same 3 veggie options and two types of fruit. I don't make my own baby food. (Goodness, I hardly make my own food). I have not studied up on baby diets. I don't know the latest baby food fad. I don't understand when to give them snacks or juice. However, I'm sure all the answers can be found in some book. Like everything else, I have to make time to read. That is what Goggle, the Gerber site, and questions for my sister are for...help.

Look the way I see it is, I will eventually get this figured out but it's going to take some time. As long as my baby is patient with me I will be patient with her. She's still growing & healthy. Thats all that matters, right? How can I force feed my own child when my own relationship with food is a rocky one. I eat to live not live to eat. My baby eats when hungry and to stop fussing when I'm trying to shop. (just kidding). Easy enough

Just a thought...2

So, I finally took my little lady to her first music class. I thought it would be a perfect way to see other babies her age and hear some nursery songs. (She sure won't hear them from me). Like most days, everything interferes with precious nap time, so I had to wake her for class. (Perhaps a sign of the future). I placed a new black & white dress on her, brushed a few strands of hair, placed the ballet slipper socks on her feet and off we went. I thought the class started at 12:15 but we arrived fashionably late at 12:20. However, when we walked in I realized the class started at 12. I felt horrible about being late, I'm a terrible mother, it was her first class EVER. I'm late for pretty much everything in my life and if I arrive 5 mins after I often consider that early.

Of course she has no idea where we are or what we're going to do. But as I looked around at our peers I noticed my baby is the oldest one of the group. (And the cutest, babies really leave the house in their sleep-n-plays)? I thought this class would have more 6 month olds, most kids were under 4 months. The biggest event was trying to get the babies to follow a paper towel roll with their eyes. "Umm hello, that is so 3 months ago". I knew my lady was bored when she found shoving her fist in her mouth more exciting. Oh well I tried. Before we walked out the door I asked the leader if we should be in an older class but she said, "well she's not sitting straight up on her own yet, so you should stay her". Is my baby already being held back before kindergarten? Why are more 6 month olds not in this class? We have a medical excuse you know. As a new mom you can't help but compare baby developments, it's our jo. In fact the only question I ever ask is, "how old is he/she"? I could care less what the child's name is, Jack, Emily, Sarah with an H, whatever..I just need age.

Happy to report my little one loved the big puppet Gymbo and that made the class worth it. We will return in cute outfits and hopefully with babies our own age.

Flight time

When your in-laws live in another state, you can bet traveling is only a matter of time. Well, our time arrived. We had to fly to the East coast, this means 5 hours up in the air with a 6 month old. Like everything else related to babies, I know nothing. However, I've heard you should give your baby Benadryl to knock them out. It's like the secret drug the doctors don't want to advertise for flying. Your child will either fall asleep, or stay wide awake.

We decided to test out this special medication the day before our flight. So glad we did. We gave our daughter half the dose recommended by the pediatrician, and that was enough. Our poor little lady was on Crack. (Not that we know anything about Crack). She could not fall asleep all day. Every time we tried for a nap, she was up within a few minutes. When bedtime finally arrived, we figured she must be exhausted, no luck. She laid in her crib staring at the walls with a frightened look across her face. When we tried to approach her, she let out a tiny cry as if we were just big scary faces coming for her. Poor little lady.

We now know Crack and Benadryl are not for her. (Good to know). Like most things in mommy world, I build things up in my mind to be worse than they turn out to be. This is my way of preparing for the worse, and begin praying for the best. She was GREAT, praise God. Our sweet little girl did not fuss at all. She took her bottle during take off, and landing, just like we rehearsed on the way to the airport. She slept in her car seat almost the entire flight without any assistance. Love her.

My favorite part was the woman in the row ahead of us, on our flight home. The second she saw my husband place the baby into the seat, she let out a huge sigh of disappointment. I then overheard her tell another woman, "wouldn't you know it, we're surrounded by kids". The sad truth is, I'm guilty of saying those words in my BB life. However, the AB woman I am today wanted to stick my tongue out and say "oh well". But I didn't have to say anything our little angel showed her.

Making it through another baby first is a great feeling. Every time we make it through a new experience, our confidence grows a teeny tiny bit. (Let's not become too confident, baby steps).

Our time in the air was really good we can only hope for more of the same on future flights. I also hope not to have another bratty 3 year old sitting behind us. (I did stick my tongue out at her, sorry).

Eating out again

Well it finally happened, we ate in a restaurant, all three of us. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon we headed out into the public just to stroll around town. We are always thinking about what we can eat while out, but unfortunately, Subway and McDonald's are the usual choices. This day however, my husband suggested we try a restaurant. The words, "serious, really, and are you kidding", came to mind. But it was a Mexican restaurant and they serve margaritas so count me in.

I walked up to the host stand and added our name to the wait list. The manager asked, "how many"? A simple question, but how do I answer? Technically, we are still two but now there is a little person attached to us. Does she count as one? I responded, "two please". My husband added, "and a stroller". The Manager informed us, "that it will be a bit longer". Perfect, now we are being punished for pushing a stroller around.

As we sat waiting, buzzer in hand, I wished 'O' could understand the 'evil eye' stare that only a mother can give. The one that says "be on your best behavior". After 20 minutes the manager sat us in the center of the room with plenty of room for our Bob stroller. I have to admit, I was afraid of having my baby cry, causing people to look at us. I know those people well, I use to be one of them. Once the server approached, we were ready with our drink orders. Knowing I was once again going to enjoy a margarita, along with chips and salsa, made the wait worth it. We made it out of our lunch without any injuries, minimal crying and no ugly looks. That was our first step into being a party of three..please.

1st Mother's Day

Wow, I still can't believe I'm a mother. I have really been thinking about this day a lot over the last week. A few times while I'm holding O I just start crying for no reason at all. Just a flow of emotions, I guess. There is so much I want to say to her and thought I should write her a note.

Dear my sweet Lady O,

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy when skies are GREY

You'll never know dear how much I love you, so I will tell you everyday.

Years ago I never knew If I wanted to be a mother. Once I began to think about wanting a baby I never knew when it would happen or if I would know how to be one. Then your daddy and I found out we were going to be blessed with a baby...and it would be a girl. What joy! I was so excited but scared at the same time. I had been told everything will fall into place and the mothering instincts will kick in. I hoped so.

The day you were born was amazing, the doctor placed you in my arms, and my first thought was thank you Jesus. She is perfect. You are now close to 6 months old and the last few months have been far from easy. Recently things have started to change and you are now showing all the wonderful "normal" baby behaviors. Either you are becoming an easy baby or we are getting stronger.

I was looking into your eyes yesterday and I could hear you talking to me while I started to cry. You said..."mom why do you look sad? I am getting better everyday and look how happy I'am. You and daddy make me smile so much and I don't feel anymore pain. Jesus choose you to be my mother and gave me this special birthmark on my face because he knew you could handle it with his grace. Lets make a promise mom to be joyful everyday..I love you mommy".

"Oh my little O you've taught me so much already you don't even know".

Love you mom

Yes, as a mother you want everyone to see your baby as you do, beautiful and have a problem free life. I have heard small children look at O and then turn to a parent and ask, "mommy why does she have that on her face"? Your heart breaks and in the moment you can't respond. However, next time I will say that is her special beauty mark Jesus gave her and it makes her really strong. I hope Lady O knows how special, loved and beautiful she is...perfect in every way just as she was created to be. Happy Mother's day.

Facing my fear

I did it! I finally faced my fear of public outings with baby. Yes, I lived to tell about it. Not only did I head out into the big scary world once this week but I went twice. The first experience was a bit frightening. As I placed O into the car and drove away I told my husband "we may just make it around the block, see you in 5 mins". But, that didn't happen. We made it to our first baby outing to meet my sweet friend and her two twin lovelies. The five us strolled around Balboa park and stopped a couple of times for feedings. Not us, them. Maybe once I get better at reading O's signs I will stop mistaking sleepy signals for food. No one wants food shoved into their mouth when all they want to do is sleep. Or do they? Anyways, the park trip was successful and we look forward to many more.

The second outing was to MOM's park, aka the mall. This was the real test. We would find out if O and I could be real life long friends. I mean if we can't shop together what will we do. I don't cook, don't have a lot of girlfriends, don't have a single creative bone in my body, and don't care to spend too much time in the sun. She was great and would start to make noise when it was time to move on. I did learn how to not waste anytime in a store. The rule is "yes or no and go". If only the sales people would get a clue, see a mom with stroller move things along. No time to be chatty Cathy and no one wants to sign up for credit cards. We both left the mall with a little something. (She doesn't know it yet). The great thing about strollers is they hold your bags. Finally, I don't have to carry anything. Now, on the next trip to MOM's park I will let her teach me how to window shop.

Baby Books

Are new moms suppose to read the baby books before the baby arrives? I have been trying to read a couple of baby books for the past four months. I could really use some guidance. Lady O is now five months and I never finished Baby Wise. Maybe that is one of my problems? I never had the chance to understand her feeding times. Now, I am trying to read the Baby Whisperer and I carry it everywhere. Will reading a page a day get me anywhere? Probably not, I won't ever add that title to my resume.

I really wanted to learn about setting up a sleep schedule and I'm envious of mom's who have it figured out. "Nobody cares". Everyday that passes without me reading is another day of less sleep. So, one book tells me to follow the E-A-S-Y plan. Meaning= Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. I think the Y needs to be dropped because it never happens. You really don't get to sleep when the baby sleeps. Once the baby goes down I can open mail, pay bills, return any important calls, make the bed, start laundry and anything else that NEEDS to be done. What is YOU time suppose to mean? Oh I know, its your time to finish reading this silly baby book.

One more thing, my baby is not E-A-S-Y, she is EAT- SLEEP-EAT-ACTIVITY-SLEEP and sometimes Y. But, she is only 5 months old and can't spell.

It's Good Enough

I now have a new phrase that I recite at least three times a day, "good enough". These two words are perfect for everything I do during the day. I often say them when I'am finished with a chore. Being a new mom means having less time. It's either speed things up or don't bother doing them at all.

When to say "good enough"...

Your to do list has 5 items on it but you only have time for 1.

Your baby usually wakes up the second you start a chore.

Your baby is crying and soon the cry will get louder, possibly grabbing the attention of neighbors.

When chores require "good enough"...

Taking a shower. You might have 3 minutes and use one all over soap for hair, body, and face. But hey, at least you are using soap. GE

Giving the baby a bath. It can be difficult to undress a screaming baby then place into a plastic tub of water. You do your best to clean the important areas. However, if they won't move their head to wash under the neck, oh well. GE

Eating and drinking coffee. No one cares that you are starving. You make your morning coffee for the taste and to wake up. Just a sip is all you get before the baby is in need of something. Forget eating meals you now get bites. There will soon be plates with half eaten stuff laying around and cold coffee to enjoy. Breakfast becomes dinner. GE

New title

I wrote an email to a girlfriend recently just to vent and share, my last written line was, “I love being a mom”. She responded today and addressed that particular line. Saying she felt a bit guilty because she does not always love being a mom. To be honest, I didn’t remember writing it and had to scroll up the page to read it again. There it was staring at me, “I love being a mom...”.

I should have written, “I love being a mom to Olivia”. The title mom has be earned over time not something you are just given because you gave birth. I don’t consider myself a mother yet. Everyday can be the same or very different. We are constantly facing new challenges and having to flip open the Baby 411 book for assistance. I lack confidence in all my baby decisions and second guess everything I do. Such as, how to organize her closet, when to give a bath, does her cry mean hungry or sleepy, is she warm enough at night and am I doing anything right. I ask mom’s I know questions all the time because some advice might be helpful. However, not even advice can make me feel confident.

Do I sometimes get out of bed during the early morning feedings thinking not again, sure I do. I am human and not long ago I was able to sleep when I wanted. Should I feel bad for thinking this way? When she is crying most of the day and we can’t seem to help her do I think “why me”, sure I do. There was a pre-baby time when you think everything will be simple babies are suppose to eat, sleep and poop. People forget to share the crying, colic, acid reflux days with you. Funny you only hear about this after your baby is born and you are drowning in your tears. Suddenly, others have been there too but forget to warn you. So the truth is, babies eat when they can, sleep when they are not hungry, and can cry a lot of for reasons unknown.

Now I know this information, do I love being a mom? I love Olivia more than I ever thought possible and if she needs me to be her mom then I will do my best everyday.

Now entering motherhood

I believe the time you spend being pregnant is rehearsal for the role of becoming a mother. You are suppose to read every pregnancy and mothering book available. Make sure you do research to prepare for the big day. Then delivery day arrives and you are on. The director shouts action, labor begins, and baby is placed in your arms. However, the camera never stops rolling and no one yells “that’s a wrap”. My new role as a mother began on November 18, 2009. Olivia was placed in my arms at 10:56 AM. My old role of woman without child is no longer part of this cast.

My life has been all about her with minimum sleep since we arrived at the hospital. Nothing has been easy. The day we were discharged our baby girl was admitted into NICU. Her oxygen level dropped and they wanted to monitor it for a few days. Having to leave the hospital without your new baby is not right. I had left my house 2 days before with a pregnant belly now I am home without a baby in my arms. We spent the next 4 days traveling between home and hospital. Trying to be there for her feedings was difficult. I did my best to pump so she could have breast milk when I was not there, that was not easy. There I was a brand new mother having no idea how to use a pump and not even sure how to breastfeed. I just kept telling myself she needs my milk and I don't want her to have formula. I was so worried about her not being able to bf when we got home.

In addition to her brief stay in NICU, we were told she has a Port Wine Stain on the left side of her face. This small marking on her face has continued to grow and darken. Three weeks ago we were informed that is really a Hemangioma and not a Port Wine Stain at all. A completely different diagnosis requiring different treatment. Our lives changed a bit more that day.

I normally don't have great expectations. However, I was hoping my new mom life would be easy. I had a great pregnancy. Gained 22 pounds and was only sick for the first 11 weeks. My birth was amazing. All Natural, no pain meds or IV's needed. Water broke at 6:30 and she arrived by 11. Everything just fell into place. I should have known it was too good to be true.

Just like all new moms I am learning each day, figuring out her personality, and dealing with her medical issue. Through cries and smiles here I come.